[精華]英語小笑話

英語小笑話1

　　One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas.

　　When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.

　　He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.

　　He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a magazine.

　　She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone.

　　He looked at her, bewildered(困惑的), and asked, "What happened here today?"

　　She again smiled and answered, "You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today."

　　"Yes," was his reply.

　　She answered, "Well, today, I didn't do it!"

　　一天，一個(gè)人下班回到家，發(fā)現(xiàn)屋子外面一片狼籍。孩子們還穿著睡衣，滿身是泥地躺在外面。

　　打開房門，他發(fā)現(xiàn)屋子里面更亂。櫥柜上堆著盤子，地上散落著狗食，桌子下面有一只打碎的玻璃杯，后門旁還有一堆沙子。家庭娛樂室里堆滿了玩具，還有一盞燈翻倒在地上。

　　他邁過散落在樓梯上的玩具，上樓去找他的.妻子。他開始擔(dān)心她生病了或是發(fā)生了什么可怕的事情。

　　他發(fā)現(xiàn)她還穿著睡衣躺在床上，在看一本雜志。

　　她抬頭看到他，笑著問他今天過得怎么樣。

　　他看著她，困惑地問：“今天發(fā)生什么事情了?”

　　她笑著問道：“你每天下班回家都會(huì)問我今天做什么了�！�

　　“沒錯(cuò)啊，”他說。

　　她說：“是這樣的，今天，我沒做什么!”

英語小笑話2

　　She was so excited and anxious to tell him. She said, "I've bought two presents for your birthday, dear. I would tell you now because I can't wait until that day. One present is a mat to put in front of my dressing table. Another one is a bronze statuette(小雕像) for the drawing room mantelpiece." And then she added: "Now me?"

　　Her husband thought for a while and then replied: "I'd better get you a new razor and some ties, so that we may exchange presents with each other."

　　有個(gè)女人給她的丈夫買了生日禮物。

　　她很激動(dòng)，并且急于要告訴她的丈夫。她說：“親愛的，我買了兩樣?xùn)|西給你做生日禮物。我現(xiàn)在就要告訴你，因?yàn)槲业炔坏玫侥且惶觳耪f。一件禮物是一個(gè)地墊，可以放在我的梳妝臺(tái)前。另一件是一個(gè)青銅的小雕像，可以放在客廳的`壁爐架上”她還說：“好啦，你準(zhǔn)備給我買什么呢?”

　　她的丈夫想了一會(huì)就說：“我最好是給你買一個(gè)刮胡刀和幾條領(lǐng)帶。這樣我們就可以互相交換禮物了�！�

英語小笑話3

　　Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？

　　Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

　　Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

　　Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”

　　體育老師：孩子們，你們見過男女混合雙打嗎？

　　尼克：見過，老師，經(jīng)常見。就在昨天夜里我還見過呢！

　　老師：那你給大家講講當(dāng)時(shí)的情形吧。

　　尼克：啊，對不起，老師。我爸爸常說:“家丑不可外揚(yáng)�！�

英語小笑話4

　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.

　　"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

　　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　　譯文：

　　小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

　　“昨天給你的'錢干什么了？”

　　“我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。

　　“你真是個(gè)好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。

　　“再給你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸�太那么感興趣呢？”

　　“她是個(gè)賣糖果的�！�

英語小笑話5

　　Back Up Two Miles

　　A farmer and his son, traveling by horse and buggy up a narrow lane, met a motorist going the other way. There was no room to pass for two miles in either direction. The motorist, in hurry, honked his horn .

　　"If you don't back up," said the farmer, rolling up his sleeves, I won't like what I'm going to have to do." The surprised driver put his car in reverse and backed up two miles, allowing the horse and buggy to go by. "What was it you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?" asked the farmer's son.

　　"Back up two miles," replied the farmer.

　　退后兩英里

　　一位農(nóng)夫和他的兒子乘坐輕便馬車來到一段窄路，他們遇到一個(gè)開車的人向相反的方向去。兩個(gè)方向的'兩英里以內(nèi)都沒有地方可以使他們相擦而過。駕車人甚是著急，按響了喇叭。 “如果你不后退，”農(nóng)夫說著擼起了袖子，“我可不喜歡我將不得不做的事。”司機(jī)吃驚不小，掛上倒擋，向后退了兩英里，讓輕便馬車先過去。

　　“剛才在那兒你說過的你不喜歡要做的事是什么?”農(nóng)夫的兒子問道。

　　“退后兩英里，”農(nóng)夫回答道。

英語小笑話6

　　miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. but this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. while miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.

　　麥爾斯有時(shí)在上班時(shí)間去理發(fā)館理發(fā)，但這是違反辦公室規(guī)定的：職員只能利用自己的.時(shí)間理發(fā)。一天，正當(dāng)麥爾斯理發(fā)時(shí)，經(jīng)理碰巧也進(jìn)來理發(fā)，而且就坐在他旁邊。

　　"hello, miles," the manager said. "i see that you are having your hair cut in office time."

　　"你好，麥爾斯，"經(jīng)理說。"我看到你在上班時(shí)間理發(fā)了。"

　　"yes, sir, i am," admitted miles calmly. "you see, sir, it grows in office time."

　　"是的，先生。正是這樣。"麥爾斯平靜地承認(rèn)了。"可先生，你看，頭發(fā)是在上班時(shí)間長的。"

　　"not all of it," said the manager at once. "some of it grows in your own time."

　　"不全都是吧，"經(jīng)理立刻說，"有一些是在你自己的時(shí)間里長的。"

　　"yes, sir, that's quite true." answered miles politely, "but i'm not having it all cut off."

　　"對呀，先生，你說得很對。"麥爾斯禮貌地回答說，"但我并沒有把頭發(fā)全都剪掉啊。"

英語小笑話7

　　Walking to work one day, my husband was hit by a car. It was a minor accident and the driver apologized，adding; "You certainly are lucky. We're right next to a doctor's office."

　　"I don't know how lucky that is ,"my husband replied."I' m the doctor. "

英語小笑話8

　　My husband was showing a box of his baby things，which had been saved for him by his mother to our five-year-old son. He took out a pair of bronzed baby shoes

　　mounted with an ashtray between them.”O(jiān)h, look,Chris,"he said. "These are Daddy's first walking shoes.“

　　一次，我丈夫拿出一個(gè)盒子給我們五歲的兒子看。這個(gè)盒子是由他母親替他收藏的他兒時(shí)的.用品盒。我丈夫從盒子里取出一雙中間還夾有煙缸的古銅色的童鞋說:“噢，克瑞斯，你看，這就是爸爸學(xué)走步時(shí)穿的鞋�！�

　　Chris stared in amazement. "Daddy,"he said，”I don't see how you ever learned to walk with that ashtray stuck between your feet.”

　　克瑞斯吃驚地望著那雙鞋，“爸爸，”他說:“我怎么就不知道你還學(xué)過兩腳夾煙灰缸走路呢。”

英語小笑話9

　　who was the first man? 誰是世界上第一個(gè)男人

　　a teacher said to her class:”who was the first man?”

　　一個(gè)老師問她的學(xué)生：“誰是世界上第一個(gè)男人”

　　“george washington,” a little boy shouted promptly.

　　一個(gè)小男孩立刻大聲說：“喬治.華盛頓�！�

　　“how do you make out that george washington was the first man?”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently.

　　老師帶著寵溺的笑容問這個(gè)男生：“你如何證明喬治華盛頓是世界上第一個(gè)男人呢�！�

　　“because,” said the little boy, “he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.”

　　這個(gè)男孩子說：“因?yàn)�，他是第一個(gè)挑起戰(zhàn)爭，第一個(gè)主張和平，并且是第一個(gè)深得民心的.人�！�

英語小笑話10

　　"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

　　The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

　　The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

　　"法官先生，我的當(dāng)事人被指控偷竊，這是多么不公正啊。他一周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認(rèn)路。而且，他只會(huì)說幾個(gè)英語單詞。"

　　法官看了看被告，問道："你會(huì)說多少英文？"

　　被告抬起頭，說："把你的錢包給我！"

英語小笑話11

　　A private didn't notice a young lieutenant and failed to salute him. The lieutenant said sternly, "You did not salute me. For this you must immediately salute one hundred times."

　　Just then the general came up. When he saw the poor private about to begin, he exclaimed, "What's all this?"

　　The lieutenant explained, "This ignoramus(無知的人) failed to salute me. I'm making his salute one hundred times as a punishment.”

　　"Quite right," replied the general smiling, "But do not forget, sir, that upon each occasion you are to salute return."

　　有個(gè)士兵沒有注意到一個(gè)年輕的.陸軍中尉，沒有向他敬禮。中尉很嚴(yán)厲地對那個(gè)士兵說：“你沒有向我敬禮，因此你要馬上敬100個(gè)禮�！�

　　這時(shí)候?qū)④娺^來了。他看到那個(gè)可憐的士兵就要開始敬禮時(shí)，就大聲問道：“這是怎么啦?”

　　中尉解釋說：“這個(gè)蠢貨沒有向我敬禮，我就罰他馬上向我敬一百個(gè)禮。”

　　將軍笑著說：“完全正確。不過，老弟，別忘了他向你每敬一個(gè)禮，你都要回禮的啊!”

英語小笑話12

　　1.A history teacher and his wife were sitting at a table

　　一位歷史老師和他的妻子在吃飯

　　the wife asked “Anything new at work”, and he replied", no, I am teaching History".

　　妻子問到：“工作上有什么新鮮事嗎?”丈夫回答說：“沒有，我是教歷史的�！�

　　2.A man was at the doctor's office. "Every time I drink a cup of coffee, Doctor, I have a stabbing pain in my right eye. What should I do?" he asked .

　　一位男子來到醫(yī)生的辦公室�！搬t(yī)生，每次我喝咖啡，我的右眼都有刺痛感。您說我該怎么辦？”他問道。

　　"Take the spoon out of your cup. " answered the doctor.

　　“把勺子從咖啡杯里拿出來�！贬t(yī)生回答說。

　　3.To prevent our dog, Lacy, from pestering visitors to our house, my mother often massaged her as she lounged beneath the kitchen table, her favorite resting spot. One day a contractor came over to talk about a home-improvement project.

　　為避免我們的狗，萊希，糾纏來訪的客人，我母親常在愛犬喜歡呆的地方，即餐桌下面，摩昵它。一天，一個(gè)建筑商來談居室裝潢工程。

　　As he and my mother sat across the table discussing the renovations, my mother slipped off her shoes and mindlessly soothed Lacy with her feet.

　　在這人和我母親坐在餐桌邊談居室的修茸時(shí)，我母親滑脫了她的鞋子，開始不經(jīng)意地用腳摩蹭起萊希來。

　　My mother had been talking for about a half-hour when to her great embarrassment she heard Lacy bark outside the front door.

　　談話進(jìn)行了半個(gè)小時(shí)的時(shí)候，我母親突然感到很不好意思起來，因?yàn)檫@時(shí)她聽到了萊希在前門外的犬吠聲。

　　4.A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

　　一天早晨，一位黑人女人和一位金發(fā)女郎正走在公園里。

　　Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird

　　. 突然，黑人女人發(fā)現(xiàn)了一只死去的小鳥。

　　"Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

　　“哦!看這只死去的小鳥�！彼�悲傷地說。

　　The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

　　金發(fā)女郎停下了腳步，她抬頭望著天空，問道：“哪，在那?”

　　5.The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"教進(jìn)化論的'老師已經(jīng)滔滔不絕地講了快兩個(gè)小時(shí)，他的話題又來了：“讓我向進(jìn)化論者提個(gè)問題——如果我們曾經(jīng)像狒狒那樣長著尾巴，那么現(xiàn)在尾巴到哪里去了?”

　　"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".

　　“我來試試看，”一位老太太說。“該是我們在這里坐這么久把它們磨掉了吧�！�

　　6. A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."

　　有一個(gè)丈夫和妻子都是91歲，他們站在法官面前，要求離婚。“我不明白，”法官說，“你們?yōu)槭裁吹搅诉@把年紀(jì)還要離婚?”丈夫解釋道：“嗯，你是知道的，我們以前是喲等到孩子們都死了。”

　　7."Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

　　“你相信人能死后重生嗎?”老板問他的一個(gè)員工。 “我相信，先生”。這位剛上班不久的員工回答。 “哦，那還好”。老板接著說。 “你昨天提早下班去參加你祖母的葬禮后，她老人家到這兒看你來了。”

　　8.Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.弟弟：我看見你親我姐姐了，如果你不給我五分錢，我就告訴我爸。

　　Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.姐姐的男朋友：不要那樣做。給你五分錢。

　　Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.弟弟：我這個(gè)月已經(jīng)賺了一塊兩毛五了。

　　9.s a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"

　　一名陌生人走進(jìn)一家鄉(xiāng)間小商店，看到玻璃門上帖著的一個(gè)告示牌上寫著，“危險(xiǎn)! 小心有狗!” 進(jìn)去后，他看到一條樣子一點(diǎn)都不兇的老狗趴在收款機(jī)旁邊的地板上睡覺。 “這就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊?” 陌生人問店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 聽到這個(gè)回答， 陌生人覺得很好笑�！拔矣X得那條狗一點(diǎn)都不可怕。 你帖那個(gè)告示做什么?” “因?yàn)椋��?店主解釋說，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他絆倒。”

　　10.Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?

　　年少的童子軍：我怎樣才能把蘑菇和毒蕈區(qū)別開呢?

　　Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.

　　年長的童子軍：上床前吃一個(gè)。如果你第二天早上醒來，那就是蘑菇。

英語小笑話13

　　幸運(yùn)的母親

　　A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

　　一位年輕的'母親認(rèn)為，世界上還有許多受饑餓的人，浪費(fèi)食物真不應(yīng)該。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女兒睡覺之前，她給女兒喂夜宵。她先給她一片新鮮的黑面包和黃油，但孩子說她不喜歡這樣吃。她還要一些果醬涂在面包上。

　　Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.

　　母親看了女兒幾秒鐘，隨即說道，“露茜，當(dāng)我像你一樣小的時(shí)候，總是吃面包加黃油，或者面包加果醬，從來沒有面包既加黃油又加果醬�！�

　　Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"

　　露茜看了母親一會(huì)兒，眼中露出憐憫的神情，然后她柔聲說：“您現(xiàn)在能跟我們生活在一起難道不感到高興嗎?”

英語小笑話14

　　excuse for speeding

　　趕緊到達(dá)那里

　　harry and lloyd were speeding down the road. a police car pulled them over.

　　哈里與勞埃德超速行駛，一輛警車攔住了他們。

　　"why on earth were you driving so fast?" the policeman yelled.

　　“你們?yōu)槭裁撮_那么快?”警官喊道。

　　"our brakes are no good, so we wanted to get there before we had an accident!

　　“我們的剎車不好，因此我們想在發(fā)生事故前趕緊到達(dá)目的地�！�

英語小笑話15

　　erry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

　　杰瑞去看精神病醫(yī)生�！搬t(yī)生，我有些不對勁。每次睡覺的`時(shí)候，我都感覺有人在床下。我要瘋了!”“給我一年時(shí)間，”醫(yī)生說，“每周來三次，我會(huì)治好你�！薄百M(fèi)用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我會(huì)認(rèn)真考慮的�！苯苋鸫鸬�。六個(gè)月后醫(yī)生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“為什么你再也沒來呢?”醫(yī)生問�！耙淮我话賶K錢嗎?有個(gè)酒吧服務(wù)生收了十塊錢就把我治好了�！薄罢娴�?他怎么做到的?”“他讓我把床腿鋸掉�，F(xiàn)在那沒人了!”

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